The Family Scapegoat: Bearing the Blame, Breaking Free
The term "scapegoat" originates from the Bible, specifically in the book of Leviticus, where the Israelites conducted a ritual to symbolically transfer their sins onto an "escape goat." The goat was then sent into the wilderness, representing the removal of sin from the community. In a broader sense, scapegoating refers to one individual bearing the blame for the dysfunctions of a larger group, including within families.
Definition of Family Scapegoating
Family scapegoating is a common form of parental verbal and emotional abuse. It is an insidious form of "invisible" abuse that is difficult to recognise. A family scapegoat is the member unfairly blamed, criticized, or targeted for the family's problems. Often, this individual becomes a convenient outlet for familial tension and dysfunction.
Rebecca Mandeville, author of Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role, explains that dysfunctional families require a scapegoat as a means to avoid facing deeper issues. The scapegoat is merely the visible tip of an iceberg, indicating underlying family dysfunction.
Signs You Have Been Scapegoated
You are blamed for family problems, even when they have nothing to do with you.
You feel isolated, misunderstood, or dismissed by family members.
You are treated differently from your siblings, often more harshly.
Your emotions and experiences are invalidated or ignored.
You are the target of excessive criticism or verbal abuse.
Why Do Parents Scapegoat?
There are numerous reasons a parent might choose to scapegoat a child, though it is never the child’s fault. Arbitrary factors influencing scapegoating include:
Birth order
Gender
Physical appearance
Intelligence
Skin colour
Sexual orientation and/or gender identity
For example, in some families, the only boy may be favoured as the "golden child," while a second-born daughter is unfairly scapegoated. Alternatively, a narcissistic parent might praise the child who brings the most prestige to the family while scapegoating the one who does not enhance the family’s public image.
In families with dysfunctional dynamics—where communication is poor and conflicts are unresolved—scapegoating serves as a tool to maintain control and avoid self-reflection. Parents who scapegoat their children often lack the ability to introspect and recognize their projections. Many have themselves been raised in families where scapegoating was normalized. They may also suffer from personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD), leading them to engage in black-and-white thinking, where one child is idealized and another is devalued.
Allows parents to maintain the illusion of a "healthy" family dynamic.
Minimises parental responsibility for negative events.
Serves as an emotional dumping ground for unresolved conflicts.
Psychological Underpinnings of Scapegoating
Projection: Parents attribute their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviours onto the scapegoat. For instance, a parent struggling with anger issues may project their rage onto the scapegoat by constantly blaming them.
Triangulation: Involves bringing a third party into conflicts to avoid direct confrontation. Family members may gang up against the scapegoat, further isolating them.
Gaslighting: A form of psychological manipulation where the scapegoat's reality is distorted, causing them to question their experiences and emotions. This often results in confusion and self-doubt.
The Narcissistic Family Dynamic
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, ranging from mild traits to full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic parents require excessive admiration, have unstable emotions, and react with intense anger when they feel criticized. To maintain their self-image, they assign blame to a scapegoat, making them the "problem" to keep the rest of the family appearing united and functional.
Despite their outward success or charisma, narcissists often feel deeply unworthy due to unresolved trauma. If someone—especially a child—triggers these insecurities, the response can be extreme. The scapegoat is often an empathetic and intuitive individual, the first to recognize dysfunction within the family. However, no one will defend the scapegoat, as they fear becoming the next target.
Effects of Being the Family Scapegoat
Being the family scapegoat can have severe mental and emotional consequences, often leading to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Being the scapegoat is a lonely and isolating experience. Children internalize blame, lacking the life experience to recognize that it is their parents who are dysfunctional. Loving, mature parents do not categorize their children as "all good" or "all bad" but instead recognize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
However, being scapegoated can provide clarity. Many scapegoats eventually see their toxic family for what it is, leading them to distance themselves and seek healing. Many also break the cycle of abuse in their own families, ensuring they do not repeat the same patterns with their children.
How to Break Free and Heal
Set Boundaries – Be clear about what is and what is not acceptable. Limit or cut contact with toxic family members when necessary.
Practice Self-Trust – Learn to validate your own experiences and emotions rather than seeking approval from those who harm you.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People – Build relationships with those who respect and uplift you.
Seek Professional Help – Therapy can provide tools to heal from the deep wounds of scapegoating and rebuild self-esteem.
Key Takeaways
Family scapegoats are often highly empathetic, intuitive, and emotionally sensitive individuals.
Scapegoating can lead to long-term psychological distress, including anxiety, depression, and low self-confidence.
Breaking free involves setting firm boundaries, seeking professional support, and finding a healthy support system outside the family.
Recognizing your role as the family scapegoat is the first step toward reclaiming your life. You are not the problem—your family’s dysfunction is. By taking steps toward healing, you can break free from the cycle and create a healthier future for yourself.
